


retrograde

by ApprenticeofDoyle



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Non-consensual themes, Pacific Rim: Uprising Spoilers, Possession, Protective!Hermann, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Things will get better, WIP, Will update when it stops tearing my soul out, but right now it hurts, we all need a fix it for this film
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 07:18:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14075850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApprenticeofDoyle/pseuds/ApprenticeofDoyle
Summary: He's gonna kiss Hermann because he has wanted to for goddamn years, because he looks like a million fucking bucks, because Newt's been inside his big ridiculous beautiful brain, because they just saved the world and because Hermann is going tolethim. He wets his bottom lip, eyes locked on Hermann's thin, gorgeous, smiling mouth, goes on his tip-toes and-Something jerks in his gut. Ice, spearing through his stomach up to his brain, through his frontal lobe, through his eyes. He wants to gasp in the pain of it but something stops him from moving an inch, something black, something blue, something thick and heavy. His muscles, his bones, his skin are drowned in the stuff, he stands still in space, and he--leans back. Smiles, big and wide, all teeth.His hand slides off of Hermann’s shoulder, not of his own accord.





	retrograde

**Author's Note:**

> this movie broke me, i was working on some fluffy newmann stuff in excitement for this movie but now i'm just devastated, y'all, they didn't deserve this, my poor fucking sons
> 
> yo so i can't deal with all this angst, so here's a bit, but things will get better i promise i can't handle this heartbreak all the time and they deserve happiness so yeah

Prologue: _Hong Kong, 2025_

In the drift, there is Hermann. He is- they are- Hermann is with Newt, in the drift, thoughts blending, memories, feelings, and Newt can feel _everything._

Hermann’s holding his hand, _it’s slick with sweat and rain and filth,_ Hermann’s chucking chalk at his head _(“Imbecile!" Hermann--_ Newt-- _says, and he doesn’t just feel angry, he feels fond,_ fond!, _because, because he-)_ , it’s raining _and their leg fucking_ hurts _like there’s a Jaeger fucking standing on it,_ Hermann’s knee is bleeding _(he fell off his trike, he’s five, Father is_ not pleased), and Hermann, Hermann is also _here,_ right now, he’s right here in a space inside of Newt that he never knew was empty or even a space at all _._

 _Newton,_ he hears, or thinks he does, and he turns (or thinks he does) in the vast blue recess that is Them, him and Hermann, Hermann and him. He stumbles out of memories, tripping and falling through them, and everything he sees makes him want _more._ He wants to reach out and touch _,_ see, feel, _be-_

 _Newton,_ he hears again, and Hermann’s voice is suddenly vibrating in his throat, against his skull, beneath his skin. _Awesome,_ Newton thinks, ecstatic, _awesome, I’ve always wanted to try this, it’s everything (nothing) like I thought it would be,_ who knew we could be ( _I always thoughtwonderedhoped we could be)_ drift compatible, and he feels fondness, from Hermann, exasperation, also from Hermann, but he also feels- he also feels the-

Electric blue blazes hot, so hot (so _cold)_ that it burns away everything into black, choking ash, charcoal blood pumping through veins, and something that is not Them but is There bleeds through.

 **Eat,** Newt thinks, no, _not me_ , **_eat, eat, eateateat,_ ** and Newt thinks he’s screaming.

_Hermann-_

_Newton!_

-the Earth (not theirs, _not theirs)_ is burnt beneath their feet, the sky is black and belches smoke so thick that the atmosphere is nothing but fire-soaked fog, and the air is acid in their mouth and their eyes. Worlds crack apart in their claws, so many, world after world after world, Breach, the _breach,_ schisms across green and orange skies and beneath blue and red oceans, and **_yes,_ ** **more** ** _, ours, EAT-_ **

-he sees species scorched and devoured, he sees a galaxy **fall-**

**crush-**

**_eat-_ **

**_Y o u,_ ** Newt hears, and suddenly he sees.... _himself,_ gasping on the lab floor of the Shatterdome. He feels a rage so potent that he cowers beneath it,  **you, ruiner, you have _seen-_**

**_You._ **

Newt can’t breathe. Newt burns.

 **We.** **_See. YOU._ **

Newt feels Hermann’s chest heaving a few feet away like its his own, can feel the Kaiju fetus rasping out its final (first) breaths, but his own lungs are seized in a vice, frozen and clenched tight. Dozens of eyes, black hole orbs, claw into him, they’re looking at him, they can _see_ him _._

Electric blue, tainted black, swamps him. _Hermann,_ he wants to gasp, slipping beneath it, submerged in black and **_burn_ ** and **YOU** and-

**_TAKE-_ **

No- _Hermann,_ _wait,_ stop _-_

He writhes in the blood, but it’s seeping, thick, viscous, he _can’t-_ it’s inside his eyes, his mouth, his mind, and he can’t feel Hermann, Hermann is _gone-_ and Newt is-

Newt is-

 

Newt gasps and opens his eyes.

* * *

Later, when the war clock counts zero and Mako finds Raleigh and everyone in the entire Shatterdome dissolves in victorious ecstasy, Newt wraps his arm around Hermann’s shoulder and smiles. They did it, they fucking did it, they’re _rock stars._

Hermann turns to look at him, his smile stretched beyond its usual wry limits and transforming his expression into something incredible, and it’s directed right at Newt, like, on purpose and everything, and Newt knows he’s fucking grinning so hard his face hurts and he’s _totally touching Hermann and they just saved the fucking world-_

“We did it,” he says, breathless, thrilled. “You and me. We fucking did it, man.”

Hermann’s smile doesn’t fade. Instead, it gets _bigger,_ wider, slim lips quirking into something warm to match the gleam in his eyes, and holy fucking shit, he's  _so_ \- his face is very near to Newt's right now, Newt has his arm wrapped tight around Hermann’s shoulder to drag him close and Newt can’t hear a damn thing in all this noise and all he can think about is how fucking much he wants to-

He leans forward, eyes flickering briefly from Hermann’s eyes to his mouth, and Hermann’s smile goes softer. Softer, fond like those memories in the drift had felt swirling in his gut, and Newt really doesn’t care that they’re surrounded by delirious coworkers, he doesn’t care that Hermann hates him and that he hates Hermann because that’s bullshit and has been bullshit for years because Hermann is _amazing_ obviously and looking at Newton _fondly_ and he’s totally gonna kiss him. He's gonna kiss Hermann because he has wanted to for goddamn years, because he looks like a million fucking bucks, because Newt's been inside his big ridiculous beautiful brain, because they just saved the world and because Hermann is going to _let_ him. He wets his bottom lip, eyes locked on Hermann's thin, gorgeous, smiling mouth, goes on his tip-toes and-

Something jerks in his gut. Ice, spearing through his stomach up to his brain, through his frontal lobe, through his eyes. He wants to gasp in the pain of it but something stops him from moving an inch, something black, something blue, something thick and heavy. His muscles, his bones, his skin are drowned in the stuff, he stands still in space, and he-

-leans back. Smiles, big and wide, all teeth. 

His hand slides off of Hermann’s shoulder, not of his own accord.

Hermann’s eyes watch him, waiting, _anticipating,_ before losing their softness as Newt shifts away, their warmth retreating. Hermann straightens his shoulders, pointedly clearing his throat in something like embarrassment, and the moment slips away.

 _W_ _hoa,_ Newt thinks, dazed. _Whoa, whoa, wait a second-_

“Yes. Yes, we did,” Hermann agrees, voice barely audible in the din of the undulating PPCD crowd, but Newt can hear the- the shyness in it, and Hermann is _never_ shy, clearly Newt is onto something awesome here, this requires further inquiry and _more Hermann touching,_ why can’t he _fucking- step- closer-_

Instead, his hand jerks up in a jaunty salute, and his mouth moves, summoning words from a source Newt cannot fathom. “Been an honor serving with you, buddy,” he says. What the fuck? Is he having a _stroke?_ Wha-

Hermann’s smile flickers into something more hesitant. “I...yes. Indeed it has.”

Newt feels himself tip back on his heels, feels his grin go smooth. He can’t even try to fight it, he tries to reach for the controls and finds himself suddenly miles away, buried, hollowed out, scrabbling for purchase against invisible glass slid between himself and his body.

With dawning horror, he remembers the drift, the Other that had lingered there, the flood of darkness he had somehow forgotten the moment he ripped off the PONS. He starts to panic.

“I don’t know about you,” he feels himself say, but the words are _not his,_ and Newt can’t even twitch in rebellion. “But I’m fucking wiped. Think I’m gonna go lay down before I fall down. I’d say see you tomorrow, but who knows after today, huh?”

He lets out an awkward chuckle, perfectly pitched, just like _his,_ and his hand rifles through his hair, completing the image of amused uncertainty. His feet, ignoring his command, back up further. Away from Hermann, to somewhere Newt doesn’t know-

Newt is spiraling, beating frantically against glass. Tendrils of kaiju blood ripple in his mind, pervasive, unmoved by his effort, lingering in his fear.

Hermann is staring at him, eyes wide. The command room has emptied somewhat, people having filtered out to spread their joy across the entire Shatterdome, and so Hermann’s voice is lower when he speaks. “We’ve been working to close the Breach for six entire years and you want to celebrate the triumph of our efforts with _sleep?_ ” he asks, as incredulous as Newt has ever seen him. “I’d expect you of all people would be first to throw yourself into the festivities.”

 _I would, I am, Hermann, something’s_ happening-

His shoulders bob self-deprecatingly, yanked by invisible strings. “Eh, what can I say, two drifts with damaged alien brains has got me totally burned out. Truth be told, I, uh, really don’t know how I’m standing up right now.”

Hermann’s eyebrows climb higher. “Are you feeling alright, Newton? Are you experiencing any pain?” he asks, voice immediately concerned. “Perhaps you should go to medbay, of course you should go to medbay, we've been bloody reckless, your brain could be hemorrhaging at this very _moment-”_

Newt cuts off Hermann’s skyrocketing alarm with flailing hands. “Dude, whoa, I’m totally fine, I’m just tired, man! We just saved the world, and I drifted with you _and_ a couple of Kaiju, right after nearly being eaten by one! I’m sure it’s just the adrenaline wearing off, alright?”

Hermann looks unconvinced, brows drawing down low, mouth a moue of worry. “In the very least, Newton, you should have a professional perform an MRI. You had a _seizure_ hours ago, in case you've forgotten, and if you have a concussion then sleep could be dangerous-”

“Hermann, Hermann. Herms." His voice is pacifying, amused, a perfect mirror, so terrifyingly fucking perfect, "I’m just tired, I promise. I mean, aren’t you? Look, I’ll see you in the morning, we’re both going to have to go the medical wringer once all the partying blows over and I’m really not looking forward to the paperwork so please, buddy, let me get some sleep while I can?”

Hermann opens his mouth, brows low, clearly ready to argue the point, and Newton’s feet are carrying him away, running from the conversation, away from Hermann, wait, wait, _no-_

“Night, Herms!” he calls out instead, when Newt tries to scream. His chin turns away from Hermann, who watches him walk away with worry and exasperation and something quiet and _pained_ on his face and stop, stop, WAIT-

_Hermann!_

**_Ours._ **

The glass between himself and his body darkens to nothing, and he is left adrift, the taste of ashes in his mouth.

 

 

He does not resurface for three weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> ik i'm sorry i'm torn up too, hmu and cry with me
> 
> as this story progresses i will add more tags and warn appropriately for triggering content. this fic will deal with themes of recovery, possession, and the non-consensual situations related to long-term denial of autonomy. please reach out to me if you feel something should be tagged for peace of mind! 
> 
> thx for reading :) hmu on tumblr @apprenticeofdoyle if y'all wanna talk newmann w/me


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